I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
