if i can run in heels then i can drive
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
