Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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