I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
