I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
