I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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