I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I should be sponsored by Trojan
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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