i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
