you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
