im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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