I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
