i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
