I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
