It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
