i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
