false alarm. still invincible.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
