cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
