do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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