My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
