Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
