just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
