I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
