you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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