I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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