11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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