You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I did not marry a roomba.
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