Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize