Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
