Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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