Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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