i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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