high people should be assigned attendants
worst night to have a conscience
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize