So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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