Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
