I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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