listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
