don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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