She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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