Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
