WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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