I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
