Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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