I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
