Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
