Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
