You really coming over, don't trick.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
