I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I smell like Dick and happiness
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
