she looked like the before picture.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
