i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
