Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
