I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
