Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He felt like a one man threesome
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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