Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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