You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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